Take Care of Me

I saw my doctor a few weeks ago because I had been reading up on ADHD and how it can mask itself as depression if it's not taken care of. The more and more I read, the more it sounded like that was what was going on with me. I could totally see it. I have great ideas I can never follow through with, past the initial phases. I get overwhelmed if a project or chore will take more than just a few minutes, or even more than just a few $$. I'm no good at managing my (or my kids, even) time on a regular and consistent basis because my attention span just doesn't work that way. We could have calendars and charts and everything put up in this house, and we do, and they'd work for a week because I just don't have the memory to keep it going every day long enough to make it habit. I do great at work because someone else makes the routine, and its the same thing minute by minute, plus no stress.

So the doctor and I decided to try out an ADHD med and see what happens. I've now been on it I think 3 weeks? Since June 16. Already, the days I forget to take it, I notice almost right away. It is a HUGE difference in my ability to focus, to stay on task, and even just maintain energy. Now I'm not saying I use it like a drug or caffeine to keep me awake, but I do notice that it helps. I have also been able to get more sleep lately, thank GOD! I needed that. She did prescribe me a sleep aid, but I have not had to use it yet.

Unfortunately, one of the risks of taking it is a huge problem if I'm stressed while I'm taking it. Taking it, I have to monitor my blood pressure, and watch for anxiety. My blood pressure, I feel, has gone up a bit, but it was on the lower side in the first place. I need to go to the store and check it today, but its usually around 110/70. I can definitely feel the changes when I am in a high anxiety moment.

The medicine made a huge impact on me this week, as I suffered my first anxiety attack while on it. I had taken both of my prescribed doses, and was nearing bedtime. I had gone through a high stress situation earlier in the week and was working on dealing with it when the attack came on. The first signs were my blood pressure skyrocketing and having heart palpitations. My heart seemed like it was pumping right out of my chest and I started to get dizzy and not be able to breathe. That was the most scary moment of my life, to date, I think. Thankfully, I have a wonderful mom who got on the phone with me and totally talked me down. She stayed on the phone with me for a very long time, and when we had to get off the phone, she stayed online with me, until I was calm enough to be ok. That was a very scary few hours for me.

The next day I was ok, a bit tired, to be expected after sending my heart through the roof, but there were no ill effects.

This week has been a roller coaster, but I think we're finally on the right track, as long as I keep a watch on my blood pressure and anxiety levels. I have had several high risk for depression days, and you know what? Other than the day I forgot the ADHD meds, I have been able to stay focused and get things done and not really freak out or anything. I kept myself pretty active for several days in a row, and when I finally didn't have a busy day on Thursday, I found myself bored, instead of lethargic as usual. I also did not sleep much Thursday night because I hadn't been as active.

So why am I writing all this? Really I guess just to document it for myself how its going... but also, I'm learning a huge lesson in all of this. Not that I didn't know it already, but I really need to take better care of me. Before the med, I could see myself wasting away. I wasted so much time because I was overwhelmed. I had no interest in things that I should be into, and the things I had interest in weren't fostering much interest in doing anything else. I would hyperfocus for a few days and then crash. Over and over again. I also found my face looking older and ragged. Now I don't see a change as far as looking older goes LOL because you can't reverse that, but I see other differences, and feel other differences.

I really hope that this is the answer I've been looking for for a very long time because I need to take my life back. So far, I can feel it coming back. And here's a little TMI, but my husband can feel it coming back, too. Woot!

I am reminded today about a scripture in the bible...our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, when Christ is in our lives. I haven't been taking very good care of my temple, and I let external and internal things wreak havoc on it. It's time to clean up in my temple, and I think I'm on the right path. I know that God has given me and my doctors the knowledge to find the right things to help my body and mind get back on track. I pray that this is it.

Tears, Comforts, Giggles, and Other Boy Mom Thoughts

I adore my boys. Most of the time. That is... when they aren't pinching, fighting, screaming (at me or each other), or making a plethora of other sad choices. But sometimes... they surprise me and make the best choices, or do the sweetest things.

I totally botched a cake yesterday morning, then fixed it after work, and decorated it. It looked beautiful. At the last minute, I needed to put it on a sturdy cutting board so the middle was supported better. Off the cake flew on to the floor. I screamed and cried like a baby. The boys were supposed to be in bed, but all they wanted to do was comfort me. When I went into their room after it was all cleaned up, I tearfully kissed them good night, they asked what was wrong. I told them about the cake and both of them gave me the sweetest kisses and hugs, and M even asked God to help me feel better in his prayers.

This morning I woke up to my husband being frustrated because M wouldn't let him clip the toenail that was busted. M ran into a door and his nail was hanging on... just barely. I had to do a lot to calm M down, and eventually, with promises of a cookie and milk, he let me get the nail off. All the while, B was sitting with us telling M "It's ok." "It won't hurt." He rubbed M's head and back as sweetly as little boys can, and did the occasional hair tug (insert the giggles here). "Calm down." "Don't cry." In a very sweet, very concerned voice. They love each other so much.

Ready, set, Go!
Their newest game is to race up and down the length of the house. Inevitably, one of them slams into a wall, or the other, or slips and falls.... thankfully not getting hurt (much). We usually put an end to it when someone starts crying. This morning though, instead of crying, I hear M tell B, "Are you ok? Can we go again? Don't cry!" M has learned that if B cries... it's over. So we've progressed to telling him not to cry. Wonderful.

This might just be as bad as when I hear that he's said "Don't tell mama!" when he makes a sad choice. I'm glad he realizes that his sad choices will disappoint me if I find out... but I do not like it at all that he prefers lying to me over disappointing.

Such is the life of parenting though, I suppose.

Father's Day Cake!

Today the boys and I used their easy bake oven (M wanted it for his birthday) and the easy bake frosting tool to make a cake for daddy.

It was quite an adventure!




I was so proud, he turns the bowl when mixing... just like me

How NOT to frost a cake!




The Final Product!

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Busy Bees!

This week has been such a busy week that I have not been able to post at all. I'm sorry to have left you hanging!

This week has been filled with so much fun, though. Micah went to his first Vacation Bible School week at church. He was in his pacesetters classroom where he was comfortable, and every day he came home telling us so many things! I'm glad it was a success for him (and for the church)! Monday I made my own icing for cakes, and also started on my best friends wedding invitations! Add those to a bunch of errand running and taking Micah to and from VBX, and I barely had time to sit! More of the same running Tuesday through Friday, as I prepared the cake for D, and worked every day.

Last night, the party, was such a great ending to the busy-ness of the week! Today I worked, but from now til bedtime, I'm just going to relax!! Monday I will begin on another cake.

Here are some pics from D's party last night! Thanks Brandie for having me do the cake, and the boys had a great time!

Brian and the birthday boy!


Micah, heading toward the lifeguards...



Grown ups chillin' out poolside!



Everyone waiting on cake!



What they all waited for!



There wasn't much cake left! I am glad everyone liked the cake. Brandie thanks for having us!

Renew A Right Spirit

This evening as I was preparing my heart to help at the Junior High ministry at church (AKA Vibe) I was lead to Psalm 51... "Create in me a clean heart oh God, and renew a right spirit within me." This was a wonderful scripture to read after everything that has been going on with us lately (more washer troubles plus suddenly needing two new front tires) and stressing me out. So I took some time to just clean out my heart and try to renew the right spirit, not a stressed and depressed spirit, in me.

Then tonight, the song was playing in my head over and over, so I decided to teach it to Micah as our bedtime song. I sang it to him and suddenly it dawned on me. I don't just need to renew a right spirit in me for me and my relationship with God. I need to do it for my husband and kids, too. This last week and a half has been so stressful that DH and I have caught ourselves snapping at the boys or quickly becoming agitated (that's a pun for those who know the issues with the washer). The boys would cry out "But I didn't DO anything!" or "Stop yelling at me!" or we'd snap at each other in the same way. What if I had taken the time this week to stop and clear it all out and renew my spirit? Would it have made this week any easier on my family?

Renewing a right spirit isn't just something I need to do as a Christian. It's something I need to do as a wife and a mom. Because I'm so much of the "trend setter" in our home, it is my responsibility to set the mood for the day. If I don't renew my spirit and clean out the uglies in my heart, no matter what else is going on, the rest of my family, those I work with, and those I am friends with are going to feel that ... and it will set the wrong spirit about our day. It makes the whole difference sometimes if I wake up in a rotten mood because I didn't get enough sleep (which is totally MY fault usually), or because there is a lot of financial strain, or a struggle with a friend...the whole day can be ruined if I don't take the time late at night and early in the morning to just clear it all out and start fresh with a renewed spirit.

It was a wonderful revelation. I'm very glad that I listened to where God wanted me to go in the Bible tonight, and that I learned something that I could share with other moms. A good reminder that I, more than ever when its a rough week, need to watch myself and be sure that I have renewed my spirit before really even opening my mouth that day. I need to set the right tone for not just my day, but my family's day.

How do you make sure you set a good tone for your family's day? I'd love to hear from you!